My Life In Ruins
*Warning: This post has not been edited in anyway. I wrote it up, formatted it so it can look somewhat decent, & posted it. None of the words have been changed, therefore, I warn you, I will be using many bad words & not “censor” them.*
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but for the past few days, I’ve been feeling like shit. Major shit actually. See, Saturday, my friend started her fitness part of school. Its cool, whatever. I was kinda depressed because… Well I want to go to school. But I figured, its okay. I can just go next semester & I’ll be fine.
So Monday is the first day of class. Due to some problems, I don’t get to start until next semester. So Saturday, my bike had gotten a flat tire. I didn’t know until after work when I was trying to ride it to work and it just didn’t work out all that well. So I called my mom & she came to pick me up. Cool. I said thanks & whatever. Well Sunday, I worked too. I asked my mom if she could take me. She said yes & took me. After work, my manager took me home only because she doesn’t want me to walk home, (which I don’t have a problem with). So cool. Thanks, I go to my house & just chill for a few seconds & then go to bed.
Monday, I work in the afternoon. Cool. I ask my mom if she could take me. Of course my dad is home & he starts yelling at me because I could have patched up my bike & this & that. Okay, fine. A simple no would have been cool, but whatever. So I’m pissed because I was yelled at for no reason. Oh & let me remind you that I did try to fix my fucking bike but I don’t know how. So I asked my fucking dad if he could help me & he just ignored me. Yeah. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
So I get to work & a few minutes after I clock in, I see my fucking dog walking in the store, followed by my fucking dad. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my dog. I’m just fucking pissed off. But back to the matter at hand. They walked in & went into Banfield.
You purposely made me walk to work in well over 100 fucking degrees outside & then walk in like nothing a few minutes after I clock in? Awesome. Great. Thanks for fucking caring. That was a big fuck off for me. But whatever.
I go on lunch & I’m just thinking to myself, how did I screw up this time. Now this is where I’m talking about school. I’m sad. I want to go to school & begin my life again. But I can’t. I’m feeling like shit because everyone is doing something with their lives & I’m here left behind.
So after work, I go to Walmart & pick up a pump, some patches, & new handle bar grips. I walk home very slowly. Mostly because I was crying & I didn’t want to get home with eyes full of tears. (I was crying because I was so mad, not because I was sad).
About 5 minutes before I get home, my mom calls me & asks me where I’m at. Mind you I went to Walmart & then home so is almost 11 pm. I tell her I’m on the sidewalk. She says like where, almost home, so I tell her yes I’m almost home & that I’d let her know when I made it to the damn house & I hang up. (Disrespectful, I know). 5 minutes later, I walk through the door & I tell her I’m home. I grab some juice & walk to my room.
The next day, I wake up, still angry but whatever. I walk out & say good morning to her. I watch some tv & eat breakfast. After, I kinda notice my mom isn’t talking to me so I just go to my room & stay there the whole day. My cousins come over & I try & hang out with them but then they call me at work to come in. So I run to the restroom & shower. Change & get ready. I’m running late since they asked me to come in at 7. My bike has a flat & I have to walk to work. So 5 minutes before I leave, I see my mom & my sister go somewhere. I’m pissed because why couldn’t they ask me if they can take me? So I was like fuck it. I’m not dealing with them, whatever.
I get to work, start working, walk home & just go to my room & don’t worry about them anymore.
I already feel like shit because I fucking don’t go to school & now my parents are treating me like fucking shit? What the fuck? I don’t ask for much. I don’t even care that I didn’t get a ride to work. But treating me like fucking shit? Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Now about school. I feel like I’m being left behind. What am I doing right now? Sitting in front of the tv typing my stupid blog. Why? Because I have no life & I’m doomed to be fucked in the ass for the rest of my life. I just want to give up on everything. But I know that what I have now will get me somewhere someday. So… I guess that’s the end of this entry. Peace.
Prince_Basil
Hello…i dont know who you are I was skimming through blogs and came across yours. I am 24 and have had alot of trials and stuff throughout life. It is hard but you have to keep pushing. this is only the beginning. With school I dont know what was goin on but just try hard..if at first you don't succeed dust yourself off and try again. Life is hard. There is going to be days when you just want to give up. But if you really want something bad enough you will work and work and work for it. There will me tears and anger and screaming but just keep trying. it is not the end. I didn't have parents growing up, i did everything pretty much for myself. Sound like that is gunna be what you have to do. Don't fret the small things. You have alot of life to live. Sorry for intruding , just felt like i would leave a lil something.
Alexis, I don't even know what to say..Life is gunna be hard. Alot of bumps along the way but that is what it takes to become you. You need to try hard to get into school. there were many days where you couldve gone but didn't. remember me reminding you over and over. You are gunna struggling , its not gunna be easy.
wooo lawdy jee baby u and i are in the same exact boat only i dont have a job either. lord its hard baby but im so tired of being down that im trying to be up as much as i can. its just ridiculous. ugh i was readin this and my heart wanted to jump out of my chest and burst. i know what you are feeling first hand. *DELLA!
Hey Alexis…first off about school: College will ALWAYS be there. You will always be able to go so even though you haven't been able to go back yet doesn't mean you are a failure. Sara dropped out of NAU her sophmore year and has the same doubts. I just tell her (and am telling you too), to just enjoy what you are doing at the moment. You are NOT a failure because you haven't gone back to school and just be proud that you have a job and are a hard worker…like I said college will always be there…it isn't going anywhere….I even have 50 year old people in my class. There is nothing wrong with that…Second: Everyone's parents suck in one way or the other. Mine make me come into work crying 4 times out of 7. Just make a goal for yourself-Go to work (and eventually school) make tons of money and prove to them that you are BETTER. Lol. Show them that you can make something of yourself and that you aren't worthless like they seem t think you are. It may sound stupid but that is my goal. And it really helps…so there is some "Ashlee insight" to chew over. Text me! 480.636.0146.
They say these things make you stronger…I sure hope they are right because it hurts like HELL!!!