a day in the life of prince_basil

Okay, so the title of this blog is “I’m mad at myself!” because that’s exactly what I am.

Have you ever seen people who stuff their faces like they’re not going to ever eat again? And then everytime you see them eat after you’re just like, Why did she get two of those? She could have only gotten one and been just fine. And obviously I’m not talking about the skinny ass b*tches who are always worried they ate too many calories or whatever the hell they think. I’m talking about the other people, the bigger people.

So recently, I’ve been very aware of what my mom eats, what one of my sisters eats, just eating. And it sucks because I’m never the type of person who looks at anyone the way I mentioned earlier. I don’t look at people and say, You had two of those, stop! That’s just not me. Of course, if you’re eating all my Oreo’s and I haven’t had any I’m going to yell at you to leave me some. (I like Oreo’s.) But other than that, its whatever. But anyways, I notice that when my mom eats say Oreo’s (since I just mentioned them) I notice she’ll get a lot. I don’t know how many, I don’t count but I’l give examples. I’ll eat ummm… 3 Oreo’s, she’ll eat 7. But see, even that statement their made me sick. I don’t ever see my mom as a big person. Nor my sisters. I don’t say their skinny b*tches either. Of course not, but I definitely don’t call them fat or over weight or whatever. They’re perfect to me. I love my mom regardless if she was skinnier then me or bigger then… Well, you get the point, and lately I’ve been seeing her as a big person. I notice everything she eats and I wonder to myself, Why that much? I don’t mean to do it. I swear I don’t. I’d never think of my mom like that. She’s perfect.

I don’t understand. I don’t care how much my mom or my sisters eat. Its whatever to me. I love them so much that this is really killing me. Like, I’m trying so hard not to cry right now. It just hurts me, and I know that if I were to tell them how I feel about this, they would be so upset and they would never talk to me again. I don’t want to think like this. I really don’t. And I never did. I never used to think of my parents or my family as a matter of fact as fat people or whatever. If someone calls my mom fat or my sisters fat, (not so much my dad because he doesn’t care what people think and he’s really not fat), I get offended. One because they’re talking about someone’s mom and two because if you’re calling my mom fat, you’re calling all of us fat. Me included. Some people think that because I weigh 115 lbs. that I don’t care because its not being directed to me, umm… You must be confused. Yes my family is a big sized family (weight size not how many are in my family) and yes I’m super skinny, but I have the mind set that I’m a big person too. I would get offended if you called me fat. Why? Well its not because I’m fat, but because how dare you come to me and call me fat. You’re no one to judge me for my size. And I know what my sisters go through and my mom. I feel so upset and hurt when someone calls them fat or whatever. I can only imagine what they feel like.

And I’m not trying to say that I’m fat or think I’m fat, NO! I just know that growing up in a family where everyone is a bigger sized, I guess you can feel the same things they do, or at least part of it. And that’s why me thinking things about my mom or sisters or whatever hurts me so bad. My family is perfect. Maybe not to you, but to me, they’re the best. I love them so much and I don’t want to think like this. And not just to them to any one. Right now, I’ve only been feeling like this about my family, but what happens when I start seeing that in my friends and then random people? I called my best friend a fat ass the time she came over and I really got mad at myself. I tried playing it off and whatever. But I came home from dropping her off and I was just disgusted with myself. I really was.

So what happens now? I guess I just tell myself to stop thinking like that. I love people for being themselves not for being big or small or tall or short. I love all types of people. And I really need to deal with this. I’m very upset with myself.

Again I’m sorry if I offend anyone. I want to appologize to you personally. So let me know and I promise I will apologize. I don’t want anyone to think I’m just hating a fat person, I’m not. I just have a problem and I’ve acknowledge I have one so not the next step is fixing it. I’m so sorry again. I understand if you never want to read my blog or talk to me or whatever. I totally understand. Thanks… =/

Prince_Basil

~ by prince_basil on August 1, 2009.

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