*Warning: This post has not been edited in anyway. I wrote it up, formatted it so it can look somewhat decent, & posted it. None of the words have been changed, therefore, I warn you, I will be using many bad words & not “censor” them.*


I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but for the past few days, I’ve been feeling like shit. Major shit actually. See, Saturday, my friend started her fitness part of school. Its cool, whatever. I was kinda depressed because… Well I want to go to school. But I figured, its okay. I can just go next semester & I’ll be fine.


So Monday is the first day of class. Due to some problems, I don’t get to start until next semester. So Saturday, my bike had gotten a flat tire. I didn’t know until after work when I was trying to ride it to work and it just didn’t work out all that well. So I called my mom & she came to pick me up. Cool. I said thanks & whatever. Well Sunday, I worked too. I asked my mom if she could take me. She said yes & took me. After work, my manager took me home only because she doesn’t want me to walk home, (which I don’t have a problem with). So cool. Thanks, I go to my house & just chill for a few seconds & then go to bed.


Monday, I work in the afternoon. Cool. I ask my mom if she could take me. Of course my dad is home & he starts yelling at me because I could have patched up my bike & this & that. Okay, fine. A simple no would have been cool, but whatever. So I’m pissed because I was yelled at for no reason. Oh & let me remind you that I did try to fix my fucking bike but I don’t know how. So I asked my fucking dad if he could help me & he just ignored me. Yeah. Thanks. Thanks a lot.


So I get to work & a few minutes after I clock in, I see my fucking dog walking in the store, followed by my fucking dad. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my dog. I’m just fucking pissed off. But back to the matter at hand. They walked in & went into Banfield.

You purposely made me walk to work in well over 100 fucking degrees outside & then walk in like nothing a few minutes after I clock in? Awesome. Great. Thanks for fucking caring. That was a big fuck off for me. But whatever.


I go on lunch & I’m just thinking to myself, how did I screw up this time. Now this is where I’m talking about school. I’m sad. I want to go to school & begin my life again. But I can’t. I’m feeling like shit because everyone is doing something with their lives & I’m here left behind.


So after work, I go to Walmart & pick up a pump, some patches, & new handle bar grips. I walk home very slowly. Mostly because I was crying & I didn’t want to get home with eyes full of tears. (I was crying because I was so mad, not because I was sad).


About 5 minutes before I get home, my mom calls me & asks me where I’m at. Mind you I went to Walmart & then home so is almost 11 pm. I tell her I’m on the sidewalk. She says like where, almost home, so I tell her yes I’m almost home & that I’d let her know when I made it to the damn house & I hang up. (Disrespectful, I know). 5 minutes later, I walk through the door & I tell her I’m home. I grab some juice & walk to my room. 


The next day, I wake up, still angry but whatever. I walk out & say good morning to her. I watch some tv & eat breakfast. After, I kinda notice my mom isn’t talking to me so I just go to my room & stay there the whole day. My cousins come over & I try & hang out with them but then they call me at work to come in. So I run to the restroom & shower. Change & get ready. I’m running late since they asked me to come in at 7. My bike has a flat & I have to walk to work. So 5 minutes before I leave, I see my mom & my sister go somewhere. I’m pissed because why couldn’t they ask me if they can take me? So I was like fuck it. I’m not dealing with them, whatever.


I get to work, start working, walk home & just go to my room & don’t worry about them anymore. 


I already feel like shit because I fucking don’t go to school & now my parents are treating me like fucking shit? What the fuck? I don’t ask for much. I don’t even care that I didn’t get a ride to work. But treating me like fucking shit? Thanks. Thanks a lot.


Now about school. I feel like I’m being left behind. What am I doing right now? Sitting in front of the tv typing my stupid blog. Why? Because I have no life & I’m doomed to be fucked in the ass for the rest of my life. I just want to give up on everything. But I know that what I have now will get me somewhere someday. So… I guess that’s the end of this entry. Peace.


Prince_Basil

Look what my sister made for me! Haha. =) Doesn’t it look awesome?!?! Haha.

Prince_Basil

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don’t take yourself so seriously.
5. No one else does.
6. Pay off your credit cards every month.
7. You don’t have to win every argument.
8. Agree to disagree.
9. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
10. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
11. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
12. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
13. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
14. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
15. Don’t compare your life to others.
16. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
17. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
18. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
19. Life is too short for long pity parties.
20. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
21. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
22. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
23. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
24. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
25. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear the fancy lingerie.
26. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
27. Over prepare, and then go with the flow.
28. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
29. The most important sex organ is the brain.
30. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
31. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: ‘In five years, will this matter?’
32. Always choose life.
33. Forgive everyone everything.
34. What other people think of you is none of your business.
35. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
36. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
37. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick.
38. Believe in miracles.
39. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
40. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
41. Growing old beats the alternative – dying young.
42. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
43. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
44. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
45. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
46. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
47. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful, or joyful.
48. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
49. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
50. Yield. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

So I have this friend. We kinda had this somewhat rocky friendship at first. Something that I wish I could change. But everything is all good now. Its actually amazing. He’s one of my best friends.

Well anyways…For a while now, I started getting this somewhat strange vibe from him. I never thought of him like this. He’s always been my friend. But for a bit of time, I’ve kinda started getting attracted to him. I feel very comfortable when I talk to him. He’s an amazing listener and I love hearing him speak. He’s crazy, he’s goofy, he’s unique, he’s himself. I love that about him. He can and will speak his mind and tell you how he feels even if you don’t like. I see him and I see everything that I’ve ever wanted.

 Well like I was saying, I’m very attracted to him. I feel like everytime I talk to him or think of him (which is all the time) or anything, my feelings begin to grow more and more for him. And right now I’m at the point where I don’t just want to be friends with him. I want to be with him. I want to be his everything. I want to hold him when he’s sad and laugh with him when he’s being funny. I want to kiss him when he tells me sweet little things. I want to argue with him about how Beyoncé is most definitely better the Mariah Carey, but I let him win because I’d do anything to see him smile. To me, he’s perfect.

I’ve never told him this. I’ve told him that I like him and that I hope I get a chance to be in a relationship with him one day, but I’ve always held back all this because I know in the past I’ve scared people away. But he makes me want to be a better me. He makes me want to get up and make myself look good (at least I’d like to think so) and comb my hair and put nice clothes on and just be a better me.

And the sad part is I probably won’t ever get that opportunity. Why? I just have a feeling that I won’t. I’ve very rarely ever gotten what I’ve wanted. And it sucks because I got to sleep at night and I hold my pillow and I wish I was holding him. I know that I’m always dreaming of him too. Of what life would be like if I were with him.

My life long dreams are:
1. Kiss/Make-out in the rain.
2. Cuddle with someone.
3. Hold someone/have someone hold me while we go to bed.
4. Get married/have a wedding.

I want to say I can see me & him doing all of those, but I don’t see us getting married. Not because I don’t want to. I do. But because my feelings haven’t developed that far. I would like to imagine myself being able to do all four things with him. Even just the first three. That would make me have a happy life. But (I hate to sound negative) I don’t think I’ll get a chance. And it gets me sad.

I guess all I can do is keep dreaming that he loves me the way I feel he does in my dreams and hope that maybe one day it can come true. =/

Prince_Basil

P.S. And just in case if you’re wondering if I will ever tell him. Well he’s one of my followers here and he reads my blog everytime I have a new entry. So he knows now. Haha. =/ Goodnight.

So in case you guys never read my previous blog post about Sprint’s Palm Pré, let me fill you in.

Similar to the iPhone. Pretty awesome. I love it. Blah blah blah…

FAIL!!! SPRINT & PALM PRÉ ARE THE WORST COMPANY/PHONE EVER!!!

So first let me start off by saying that I do in fact love the Palm Pré. It is pretty awesome. It just doesn’t work. I love the idea of being able to multi-task with it. I can be on the Palm Web OS or something like that, pretty much the internet. I can play music, I can read emails, I can check my calendar, etc. You can do a lot at once. I love the fact that, like the iPhone & iPod Touch, you can sync to your iTunes Library. You can download music through Amazon MP3, (which is kinda like the iTunes Store except its only MP3 files), you can sync your emails to your phone, (I have most all of them syncing to my phone), you can watch YouTube videos, & it has a QWERTY keyboard, (which means it has the full keyboard for texting). So it sounds amazing on paper right?

Well, the problem is, is that it freezes waaaaaaayyyy too much. When I try to get online, usually I can. But its a pain because I have to make sure that the little [Ev] sign at the top of the phone is all active and there if not, the phone pretty much doesn’t work. Sometimes, its not there and then I have to restart my phone. Next, the battery life. Oh boy! I thought the battery on my old phone was bad. This is supposed to last about 8 hours with all the settings at a normal setting. Well I dimmed the screen all the way down. I put my emails to never sync automatically. I rather sync them manually. I put it so the within 30 seconds the phone goes into standby mode if its not being used. So pretty much I have it at the most power saving settings I could possibly have them at so you would think it would last longer then 8 hours. My phone doesn’t last longer then 3 hours. So I don’t know what the eff is wrong with it.

Today I called Sprint because I’m tired of it and I really don’t want this phone. I don’t want it, I don’t care for it. The only thing they could do for me is send me a referbished phone. Same model and everything, just referbished. WTF?! What is referbished? The lady told me is, when someone buys the phone, has a problem with it and returns it. Umm… So I tell her, “So what you are telling me is that I am getting a referbished phone that had a problem with it, and I will have to return my phone that also has a problem?” (When I’m angry, I’ll say I am instead of I’m. Haha) Now I said “had” a problem because they “fixed” it. But what I don’t understand is that I paid for a brand new phone but I will be getting a phone that used to have a problem. Hmm…? WTF?

Okay, but that’s not all. My phone selects its special moments. So its not always being stupid, but most of the time it is. They told me they will send me a new one and when they receive my phone back, if they don’t see anything wrong with it, they will charge me for a brand new one!!! WTF?!?! So if you find it works fine and you charge me the original price of the phone, shouldn’t I be getting a brand new in the first place? Yeah. I don’t understand that. So I hope that one, my phone doesn’t all of a sudden start working perfectly because I need them to see what is going on with it. And two, they better to be ready to deal with me bitching at them. I’m serious.

So finally, I recommend that you never go to Sprint. My parents have had them since they pretty much started and they’ve had an awesome experience. I get them and I have hell. And if you do get Sprint, don’t ever EVER get the stupid wannabe a smart phone/iPhone Palm Pré. The worst phone you can possible get. I wish I just went with my first choice, the HTC Touch PRO. I’m so mad at myself for being so stupid. Ugh!! I will talk to you guys later.

Prince_Basil

Today I go into work feeling good. Its Thursday and I get paid tomorrow. So everything is all good. I get on register and just sit there while I wait for the customers to come.

Well, a manager named Matt comes over to me and we start talking. Some about him leaving came up and I stopped and looked at him. I was like, “Leave today off work or leaving Petsmart?” Of course, it was the one I dreaded the most, he’s leaving Petsmart. I asked him when and he tells me that tomorrow is his last day. I couldn’t believe it.

First it was a guy named Jon. Although I only worked with him for like a month or two, he still left. Okay, fine. I can handle that.

Next I find out a guy named David who works in the fish department is moving in August for school. He’s moving to Flagstaff so he can go to NAU. I’m sad because he’s an awesome guy and I really like him. But fine, whatever.

Then, this girl named Stacy all of a sudden doesn’t work at Petsmart anymore. Why? I don’t know the exact reason but I guess it was something to do with the groomers. So she’s not here anymore. Ugh! She was like my best friend at work. Honestly, I felt attracted to her too. She was sooooo awesome to work with and now she’s not there. Not cool. I really wanted to cry so bad. And I’m still not over it.

Not done yet. So there’s this girl, Katy. She’s a pet trainer. She’s awesome too. I love working with her. Well I found out she’s leaving Petsmart. But she’s not really leaving. See, we have a pet hospital in our pet store and its all the way in the back. She got hired for a position there but its not a part of Petsmart. She won’t be working for Petsmart, she’ll be working for Banfield, the pet hospital. Fine. It sucks but at least she just a few steps away. And we’ll still see each other.

Finally, Matt is leaving. He’s moving to Pennsylvania. Why? Because his girlfriend misses her family and well, he’s going to move back with her. WHAT?! This is ridiculous!! Matt is another employee I love working with. He’s so funny and sarcastic and I just… Like I want to cry. When Stacy left, he was there. And he has been since. Especially since he knows that Stacy and I were really close. I’m angry!!

Everyone is leaving. And even though I should be happy because I’m going to be getting more hours with less employees, I can’t help it. The employees that leave are the ones that I care for the most. All I have left is a manager named Shani who is amazing also. A petcare girl whose name is Ashlee and she’s awesome too. She another really great friend. And that’s it. If they leave, I’ll have no one.

I think maybe I need to start finding another job. Because, yes I know, you can’t expect to have someone there for the rest of their lives, but you don’t expect them to go so quickly either. It just saddens me and I guess that one of the problems I have. I get too attached to people and when they leave me, it hurts. But oh well, I guess I’ll have to deal with it. =( I’m going to miss Matt very much.

Prince_Basil

P.S. That dude helps with the pain. Isn’t he effing sexxxy?!?! Haha. =)

Okay, so the title of this blog is “I’m mad at myself!” because that’s exactly what I am.

Have you ever seen people who stuff their faces like they’re not going to ever eat again? And then everytime you see them eat after you’re just like, Why did she get two of those? She could have only gotten one and been just fine. And obviously I’m not talking about the skinny ass b*tches who are always worried they ate too many calories or whatever the hell they think. I’m talking about the other people, the bigger people.

So recently, I’ve been very aware of what my mom eats, what one of my sisters eats, just eating. And it sucks because I’m never the type of person who looks at anyone the way I mentioned earlier. I don’t look at people and say, You had two of those, stop! That’s just not me. Of course, if you’re eating all my Oreo’s and I haven’t had any I’m going to yell at you to leave me some. (I like Oreo’s.) But other than that, its whatever. But anyways, I notice that when my mom eats say Oreo’s (since I just mentioned them) I notice she’ll get a lot. I don’t know how many, I don’t count but I’l give examples. I’ll eat ummm… 3 Oreo’s, she’ll eat 7. But see, even that statement their made me sick. I don’t ever see my mom as a big person. Nor my sisters. I don’t say their skinny b*tches either. Of course not, but I definitely don’t call them fat or over weight or whatever. They’re perfect to me. I love my mom regardless if she was skinnier then me or bigger then… Well, you get the point, and lately I’ve been seeing her as a big person. I notice everything she eats and I wonder to myself, Why that much? I don’t mean to do it. I swear I don’t. I’d never think of my mom like that. She’s perfect.

I don’t understand. I don’t care how much my mom or my sisters eat. Its whatever to me. I love them so much that this is really killing me. Like, I’m trying so hard not to cry right now. It just hurts me, and I know that if I were to tell them how I feel about this, they would be so upset and they would never talk to me again. I don’t want to think like this. I really don’t. And I never did. I never used to think of my parents or my family as a matter of fact as fat people or whatever. If someone calls my mom fat or my sisters fat, (not so much my dad because he doesn’t care what people think and he’s really not fat), I get offended. One because they’re talking about someone’s mom and two because if you’re calling my mom fat, you’re calling all of us fat. Me included. Some people think that because I weigh 115 lbs. that I don’t care because its not being directed to me, umm… You must be confused. Yes my family is a big sized family (weight size not how many are in my family) and yes I’m super skinny, but I have the mind set that I’m a big person too. I would get offended if you called me fat. Why? Well its not because I’m fat, but because how dare you come to me and call me fat. You’re no one to judge me for my size. And I know what my sisters go through and my mom. I feel so upset and hurt when someone calls them fat or whatever. I can only imagine what they feel like.

And I’m not trying to say that I’m fat or think I’m fat, NO! I just know that growing up in a family where everyone is a bigger sized, I guess you can feel the same things they do, or at least part of it. And that’s why me thinking things about my mom or sisters or whatever hurts me so bad. My family is perfect. Maybe not to you, but to me, they’re the best. I love them so much and I don’t want to think like this. And not just to them to any one. Right now, I’ve only been feeling like this about my family, but what happens when I start seeing that in my friends and then random people? I called my best friend a fat ass the time she came over and I really got mad at myself. I tried playing it off and whatever. But I came home from dropping her off and I was just disgusted with myself. I really was.

So what happens now? I guess I just tell myself to stop thinking like that. I love people for being themselves not for being big or small or tall or short. I love all types of people. And I really need to deal with this. I’m very upset with myself.

Again I’m sorry if I offend anyone. I want to appologize to you personally. So let me know and I promise I will apologize. I don’t want anyone to think I’m just hating a fat person, I’m not. I just have a problem and I’ve acknowledge I have one so not the next step is fixing it. I’m so sorry again. I understand if you never want to read my blog or talk to me or whatever. I totally understand. Thanks… =/

Prince_Basil