In The Eye Of The Beholder
a day in the life of prince_basil
–a small intimate & personal view into the crazy & hectic time I call my life!
So I’ve had this problem for a very long time, and I just felt like I should address it. You may have read my Self Esteem post a while back, and well this is something closely related. It closely ties in with that post and my most recent post Coming Out.
I’m sure you’ve all heard that saying that, “beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” and while I think that’s true, I also think that, sometimes, we forget it and judge ourselves on how we look. I’ve actually been thinking about this for a while, but it wasn’t until today that it got me thinking.
I haven’t ever found myself attractive… Okay well wait, I think out of my life time, I’ve found myself decent looking a handful of times. But overall, no. Not even average looking.
Ever since elementary school actually, is when I had feelings for other guys. Like, I would look at the boys in my class and be like, oh yeah, he’s cute. I’d feel drawn to them by their looks. I didn’t know any better and I figured this was normal. I thought boys liking boys was okay. So I never paid attention to the fact that I was gay.
Well around the same time as that, I also noticed that the kids in my class were all a lot better looking then me. Like, not just cute guys, but like amazingly hot boys. And they were only what? 11 or 12? But I noticed that I didn’t fit in very well. I never played sports and all my friends were girls. I never found myself atractive compared to the kids in my class. That’s when my self esteem issue began growing.
I went on to jr. high and that’s when I seen more guys and now body hair. This is around the time where boy started hitting puberty and they had hair in places I hadn’t know hair could grow. I was one of the kids who began puberty very young and fast, but then it slowed down super slow.
I had hair on my arms in middle school before guys even had hair period. (Total exageration) But yeah. I had hair on my arms, hair on my back, hair on my legs, feet, chest & butt. But I didn’t grow hair under my armpits or my face until after 10th grade. My voice began changing in 8th grade. I was still short but that changed soon enough. I started 10th grade and I sprang up like 5 inches, no joke. But still all this time I thought I was ugly.
9th grade is when I started getting facial hair. Still didn’t find myself attractive. That’s also the time in my life where I figured out what exactly gay/lesbian/bisexual were exactly. At the time, I considered myself bisexual since I thought I had still liked girls. That year I made my first gay friend. He actually had a crush on me and what not. I never told him I was bi only because I didn’t want word to get around.
10th grade came and up until then I had always wished for armpit hair. No joke. I was so turned on by it that when I looked at porn, (which I did a lot of in the beginning of high school and still now), I would type in “big dick hairy armpit”. (I used to look at straight porn but only look at the guys penis or look at his cum or whatever.) But when 10th grade started, I didn’t care anymore. I figured that armpit hair was only for special people and me being ugly and unspecial, I wasn’t going to grow any. Well, I spoke too soon. It literally feels like it grew over night like the rest of my body hair had. I was wanting it soooo bad that just one day I woke up and BOOM there it was. I hated it! It didn’t look like the guys in the porn I’d seen. Mine was all nice and straight and not nappy. (At the time I didn’t know what nappy was and I didn’t know that it was bad) So I hated it.
In 10th grade I also made my first ever group of friends which all happen to be dudes. And they weren’t any dudes, they were hot fine ass dudes. I always felt out of place because I felt even uglier next to these sculpters from God.
11th grade none of them were my friends. They found out I was gay, (I didn’t call myself bi after 10th. Girls were just nasty to me.) I was pretty much alone. I had this one friend who we kinda knew and in the end ended up telling everyone we were related only because they kept asking if I was her brother. And in a way she was kinda like my sister. She was awesome.
12th grade was okay. Still felt ugly. Had my first boyfriend. Blah blah blah. Same shit, different year.
And now, I still feel ugly. BUT!!!!! There’s a but, haha. Lately I’ve been feeling very… Umm… Attractive. Like I will look at myself in the mirror and when I’ve combed my hair and just gotten ready, I think I look some what cute! I think that its because I’ve been losing some weight because I work a lot and I don’t eat. So I mean its only natural I’ll lose weight. And I only find the top half of me attractive. Like I can lift my shirt and I have no muscle but my stomach looks kinda flat and good. And my face looks a little more tan and just better. But I don’t know how long this will kast and if I will continue to find myself more attractive as the months go by.
Guys that I’ve talked to have always said I’m attractive. (Totally not trying to be conceded.) But I just never see it. And I hate that I have hair everywhere on my body but my finger nails. That’s one of the main reasons why I think I’m ugly. And its not like a little hair. Its a lot and its long. Just imagine the hair on your eyebrows, (I’m sure we all have about the same length of hair there), times like 6 and that’s how long my hair is everywhere. I mean you name a spot and I can assure you I have hair there. And I know some guys love hair, I’m one of those. I love body hair on another dude. But at the same time, I don’t think the want like a damn bear. That’s what I feel like. A bear. TONS OF HAIR!! And it would be one thing if it looked attractive, but it doesn’t. It totally doesn’t look hot.
So I just wanted to know if me finding myself a very tiny bit attractive was one, weird, and two, meaning I’m starting to open my eyes more. Like will I continue to grow finding myself more and more attractive or is this temporary? I don’t know but I hope I start liking my looks more and more. I’m tired of feeling ugly. Its too damn depressing. =/ Alright. Thanks for reading my post. Very long post. Haha. Thanks.
Prince_Basil
I don't want to sound like I'm bragging to others, and I don't want to make you seem like a whore in any way but…I've seen pretty much all of you and I don't think your body hair is that bad. I think most guys who actually grow a normal amount of body hair and don't shave it off or trim it have about the same ammount of hair as you. Though a lot of people luck out and don't have equal hair growth ALL over. Still I think your body hair isn't bad. I'm someone who likes body hair (you know that), but I'm also someone who dislikes the really really hairy type of guy. You know how you feel like you look like a bear, well I'm talking about the people who actually look like bears. You're not that type of person. You're just a guy with body hair. Since you like body hair but you don't like how long yours is maybe you could try trimming it. I know you don't believe that I'm hairy [lol kidding] but I am a pretty hairy guy myself, the hair on my legs gets really long sometimes so what I do is I take beard trimmers and just trim the hair on my legs. I never want to actually shave my legs because that would look weird but a little trim now and then keeps everything need looking. You could do that all over if that's what you want (personally If you were my man I would vote against trimming because you look fine without it) I just use a beard trimmer but I know some places have like body hair trimmers that you can buy…I don't know what the difference is, but I'm sure there's something lol. Enough on my body hair rant…lets move on. I think it's great that you're finally seeing yourself as the cutie that you are. I think you are finally growing into your own skin and accepting things as they are. Yeah you don't have perfect abs, and yeah your body hair isn't like the guys in porn movies…but that doesn't take away from your attractiveness. I think a person that's as amazing as you are has no choice but to eventually realize that they're not so bad after all. You're a beautiful person and not only on the outside. You treat people with so much respect and you're intelligent. I think you're just finally growing comfortable with yourself and once you're fully comfortable with who you are and what you have to offer you will be able to see how special you are, inside and out.
I SO AGREE WITH YOU^^^BESIDES….WE ARE OUR OWN WORST CRITICS AND OUR EYES CAN BE FUN HOUSE MIRRORS, OFTEN PROJECTING WHAT IS NOT EVEN THERE!